Netflix Purchases Comcast

Netflix and Comcast have been increasingly at odds over the last few years, as Netflix streams more content down Comcast’s pipes and Comcast whines about how it should be able to completely shut down Netflix in favor of Comcast’s terrible VOD offerings under the guise of complaining about traffic use.

No more. In a surprise move that will render all those old Photoshop jokes about a Netflix button on your remote to be true, Netflix has engaged in a hostile takeover of Comcast, forcing out the top executives.

The money to do so came from a surprising source: the Hollywood studios.

“OK, we hate Netflix”, admits Jeff Bewkes of Time Warner, “but Comcast has sent a cable guy a week late to my mansion for the absolute last time. Seriously, f*** those guys.”

The FTC, when contacted about the acquisition, stated they had already approved it. “Somebody buying Comcast? We had the approval forms pre-filled out for the day those douchebags went away. Seriously, f*** those guys.” stated an FTC spokesman.

The Consumer’s Union, normally opposed to such large mergers, stated that “we see innumerable benefits to consumers, like no longer having to deal with Comcast. We must agree with the statements of the FTC: Seriously, f*** those guys.”

All NBC content will be available on Netflix immediately as it airs, as well as all Universal content. Comcast executives have been summarily fired, the board replaced, and all employees are immediately subject to performance reviews. Comcast customer service has already been improved, and the company has been removed from the Consumerist’s Worst Company in America competition.

Well, we can dream, anyway. April Fools!