Deutsch Telekom Shafts Us All, Sells T-Mobile to AT&T

Let’s see here, AT&T’s network is famously terrible, Sprint until recently was floundering trying to redefine itself, and Verizon thinks your civil rights and privacy are for sale. That leaves T-Mobile as the least evil and incompetent cell phone provider. And unless the government intervenes, that’s by the boards because AT&T is buying T-Mobile America. In related news, this officially confirms the existence of an angry, vengeful God.

The deal is worth $39 billion; $24 billion in cash and $15 billion in stock. Mostly, this is about acquiring a network, because God forbid AT&T actually spend any money on infrastructure when they could try and make you buy a femtocell just to make your iPhone work in your apartment.

Fortunately, T-Mobile users might be spared the gentle caress of AT&T’s infamous network and customer service, because this merger would create a GSM monopoly in the United States. That’s generally something that arouses the FTC’s interest, especially since GSM is an international standard: it would force international road warriors and other world travelers onto AT&T whether they wanted it or not.

And even if it does go through, it’ll take a year to hash out all the deals and make it official, so you can switch away from T-Mobile and to…well…Sprint, we guess.