A To Do List For James Dyson: 7 Garbage Technologies That Need Your Help

We all know what a technological ninja James Dyson is. He saw a problem with the average vacuum and sidekicked it into a much more effective home tornado that we may not be able to afford, but love anyway. Then, he turned to one of the greatest banes on modern man, the public bathroom hand dryer and–BAM!–flying dragon straight into some crazy-ass wind tunnel-type machine that just strips the water right off your mitts.

Don’t stop there Dys. There are dozens of other products that need your help, many of which we’re forced to use every day. These things suffice because there’s nothing better, but if you have a free minute, could ya go ahead and tinker around a little on these projects.

A Good One-Size-Fits-All Remote Control

Years ago, remote controls must have been the most convenient, revolutionary devices to hit mankind since the telegraph. No longer did you have to get up and fiddle with the channels. No longer did you have to watch the same horrible show for hours on end just because you were too lazy to get up. The world was in the palm of your hand.

Thanks to the fact that every device from the television to the stereo to the lamp in the corner is controlled by a remote, remotes are now just a big, anonymous stack of mess. Every device’s remote is ever-so-slightly different than the next.  And universal remotes are typically too cheap, crappy and complicated to really unify all others. Plus, they just seem to get bigger and bigger with more and more useless buttons. Can’t one company rise from the ground and make a universal remote comfortable and intuitive enough that every manufacturer quits making their own?  I think that company should be called Dyson Electronics.

A Dishwasher That Cleans Dishes

photo: zieak

The dishwasher’s been around for nearly 125 goddamn years, and yet, I still have to wash my dishes by hand before loading them in. Imagine the way that people’s faces lit up when they first heard of the dishwasher.  Then imagine their ensuing looks of devastation when they found out that the only way it really cleaned dishes was if they basically did all the hard work ahead of time.  It’s amazing that we dedicate so much physical space, water, energy and money to a device that really does half the work. And the easiest half at that. Throw some of Dyson’s cyclonic, airblade sorcery in there and maybe the dishes would actually come out clean on their own.

Shape-Shifting Wii Mote

Motion-based gaming ala Wii, Move and Kinect is fun, but what isn’t fun is the hoards of crazy Wii-ccessories that make realistic gaming possible for different types of games. It’s pretty easy to fill an entire closet (and drain a bank account) with Wii bowling balls, rowing machines, cooking utensils, skateboards, compound bows, and all the other million and one Wii accessories out there. Imagine if we had just one pliable device that could automatically change into the basic shape of every type of gaming device we’d ever need. No more junk accessories that you use on Christmas Day and toss into the closet of retirement. Get a new type of game and you already have the perfect complement. And, while we’re throwing out wishes– if they could make one that worked for Wii, Move and Kinect, that would be pretty great.

A Microwave That Doesn’t Turn All Food Into Steaming Rubber

photo: get directly down

The microwave has had a pretty nice run at the top of the kitchen technological pyramid. Commercialized back in the 50s, and popularized in homes throughout the 70s and 80s, it has long dazzled us with its instant, space-ray-style approach to food prep. But it’s really time for an updated take on the microwave, a microwave 2.0 of sorts. Because, let’s face it, the microwave’s novelty has kind of worn off, and unless you’re popping popcorn,  preparing a microwave meal or maybe boiling soup, the microwave is going to turn your food into the least palatable hunk of mush that you’ve ever gagged down. Ever try microwaving a slice of pizza? That’s delicious– if you don’t mind spooning unrecognizable red, gooey slop off a piece of wet cardboard. And even when heating up coffee, the learning curve for going from lukewarm to burning-the-gums-off-your-teeth scorching hot is just way bigger than it should be. It’s 2010–isn’t time we had speed, convenience and edible food?

Wireless Speakers That Sound Like Speakers

Right now, the options are pretty clear: plaster your room with big speakers and wires running in every direction and enjoy great sound for music and movies, or take the wireless speaker route; make installation easier; eliminate those heinous wires but suffer from crappy sound that’s not much better than your laptop drivers. When you look at the things that you can now do just as well wirelessly as you can with wires, you’d think that we’d have a decent set of wireless woofers and tweeters. I know this is bound to happen one day, but it could use a jump kick to get things rolling a little faster.

Universal Cell Phone Charger

I'm not the only one that thinks this guy could make a mean phone charger. Yanko

Much like the remote control, the lack of a simple, unified template for all devices is what brings the mobile charger down. Why couldn’t a third-party company have stepped in decades ago and just made one charger for every phone/laptop/tablet/GPS/etc. Life on the road would be so much better today.

Imagine this: a simple charger that locks onto the port of any device with a suction mechanism equating to 100,000 times the force of gravity. Not only would it work with all mobile phones, but it could work with all devices that needed charging, period. Just let that thing suck on like a leach with metal hitting metal and charging is go. And who do you think is going to make something like that happen? It sure ain’t the GSM Association.

A Cable Industry That Doesn’t Blow

photo: hjl

Okay, this one might be a hefty task, but it’s definitely more of a legacy-maker than a pivoting rubber ball. In a day and age where we can get everything we want–Internet, maps, calls, porn, etc.–right when and where we want it, it’s really frustrating to have to pay a big group of cable suits to decide what we’re allowed to watch on television. DVRs have made things a lot better in terms of timing, but when it comes to content, we’re still stuck with big, bulky, expensive packages that are 80 percent channels we don’t want (Oxygen–W..T…F?).

If I want to watch movies on HBO or an out-of-market football game–both of which are readily available on my cable box–can’t I just get that without having to order a package of 375 channels or a sports package of every game, every Sunday, all season? It’s not even about the money, I’d gladly pay the money if I could get exactly what I want to watch without any garbage I don’t. The entire industry has been working inside the box–a dank, tattered box–for too long and they need an outside-the-box guy for complete demo and rebuilding.